just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
adam and eve had first world problems
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’