Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
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Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Something Saturday.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.