At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
You Might Also Like
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined