In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
My time has come.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
i like to flex on them by shrugging
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again