My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
What do you hear?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot