Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
You Might Also Like
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle