Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
RT if you could go either way.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.