daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
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I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Flock of bats
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Realize this:
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
another case of gang violins
I’m giving up for Lent.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit