ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Home #decor warning.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
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