6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
#dalle2
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
just left a huge legacy in there
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.