-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
You Might Also Like
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them