Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
#Caturday
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.