Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.