I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
You Might Also Like
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
never forget
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
shit just got real
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone