My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
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Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion