When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Krampus.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant