My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Danger is very dangerous
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
greetings!
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?