9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
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*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
This is always good for a laugh.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
me irl
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”