You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
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[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall