Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
We’re all getting idioter.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession