Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
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Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Bring back the McRib
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”