Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
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I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.