#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
The future is now.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp