[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up