[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?