Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
sir, my pâté if you please
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.