Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
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Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”