Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
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me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I love twitter
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.