99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
You Might Also Like
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.