My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
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Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
This is me
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I know
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil