Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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cat faces on other animals, a thread
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing