Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
you stereotypes are all alike
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”