Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.