Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.