For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
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*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
my nickname in college
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Home is where your toilet is.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….