“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
You Might Also Like
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.