I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
You Might Also Like
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Just as the prophecy foretold
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor