Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.