there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
.. do you even science?