5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!