“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I think I’m having a stroke
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.