Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Gemma Correll
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN