Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
OMG 🤣🤣
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you