[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
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Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.