Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
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Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”