WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena