me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
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If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.