I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse