doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
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Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*