[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
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I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…